A peak into my thoughts
"If the hurt comes so will the happiness" as stated in milk and honey by Rupi Kaur. I've read that book a week or two before the madness and I learned to slowly heal myself from all the battle wounds I've gotten over the past few months. And just as I thought that the storm was ending, it was just beginning. Of course, as we all know I've recently gone through a traumatic heart break, a heart break that has never cut me so deep aside from when my mom broke it but that was years ago. Something I've learned to endure and forgive so that I can set myself free. Freeing myself from putting the negativity and unhappiness in my life, basically just holding all that resentment in. I did that to myself because I felt like I didn't really deserve much happiness then which had caused me to become very self destructive. Once I realized that I was the one causing all that pain and hurt to myself, I quickly snapped out it and changed. I normally know how to repair myself. I've grown to deal with my demons on my own and never felt right by weighing so much heaviness on someone else. Yes, that can sometimes ruin a relationship because bottled feelings can burst and pour out without reason... I have a bad tendency of projecting my feelings. I also have a bad case of anxiety which doesn't help me at all. I'm all around mentally fucked but don't get me wrong, I have a huge heart and I'm always willing to forgive. I genuinely believe all people are good. And only time will teach me lessons that I didn't understand before which is why now, today, I am able to have a good relationship with my mom. You normally don't see why they do the things they do, but when the time comes, it's all clear and sensible.
Again, I've learned to maintain my anxiety about 2-3 years ago. I've left it all behind in the places I've sought strength in and people who has taught me to be free. I was so busy looking for myself and mindsets who understood me that nothing really mattered at that point in time. I was experiencing and seeking light in such a different atmosphere. I genuinely felt my most high but also the year later, I broke and saved myself. My friends at that time knew that I was so much more capable and willing. They saw me in a way that I didn't see myself. She told me that I was so sure of who I was and my passion that it scared her because she wasn't sure of who she was yet. She said that I had so much going for me, potential, therefore as the years came, we grew apart. We became different people but we never really lost sight of our friendship. She was there to see my heart break again this year and even now, I still feel like no matter how far you walk in life, people who are there for you will always be there, cheering you on even if they're not side by side with you anymore.
I normally outgrow people quicker than they outgrow me. And they get scared because they feel that I am much more than who they are. They feel that they're a burden that's weighing me down in life but that's not true. It's because of how they feel about themselves, inside, their self worth. Self worth normally sets you aside from other people. When you feel confident about yourself and love who you are, nothing and no one can tell you anything nor stop you from doing what you want in life. You've got to have a plan with passion and you're set. What's most important is knowing what you want in/out of life because if you don't, you'll keep losing track of time and yourself in things that aren't meant for you. And it's true, you do find yourself in people and places that you've never imagined, so yeah occasionally, they're the best bet for you. Like they say, when you know, you just know. Shit fits perfectly. But if you're still struggling to find who you are, nothing will ever feel right.
Seasonal depression is real. When winter hits, I'm a mess. I don't know who I am and lose all sight of focus like in December of 2016 ongoing to January 2017. So... it begins.
This heart break hurt me the most just because I hang onto every last word no matter how ugly and untrue they are. I am a person who believes in words and actions, so if you tell me something that you're gonna do, I better see it happen. It's not about proving but about being true to your words. True to yourself. I have a huge dislike for those who don't mean what they say. And if you do it without saying it, props. You've got some real shit going on. Actions are louder than words sometimes. And even when you say nothing, you're still saying something.
When I don't get a clear answer to why things ended the way they did that's when I become someone I don't recognize. It was such a battle for those 3 years that I told myself to never ever let anyone have that much control over me. In the years to come, I never would've thought that I would meet someone who could change my life so drastically within the time span that we've had together. A wonderful soul who pushed and pulled me out of my comfort zone, someone who inspired me to continuously search for my true calling and if anything, in that year, I found myself even more than what I had already thought I did. My muse. My best friend. My other half. I've learned so much about what I was capable of and how much I was willing to fight for something and someone. I learned to love wholeheartedly. Most importantly, I learned to love myself. I loved him more than myself to be honest and even now, till this day, I still feel a certain type of way towards him even though his feelings has changed.
At the end of the day, I guess we both honestly really did lose so much of ourselves in something we wanted to hold onto, to keep that spark alive but it just couldn't last. It doesn't mean it wasn't real, it just means that maybe we just aren't really ready for each other, or that we weren't ever really meant for one another. Although I'd like to believe that we were, I'll let time be the judge of that but we are different people now, chasing new dreams and new things. I guess you could say, we loved ourselves differently and "how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you." We both were struggling to love ourselves, but I'm speaking upon my behalf only. I've never thought that acceptance could ever feel that great nor did someone loving me feel that good. It all felt so, so unreal that I didn't want it to ever end. BUT, all good things has to come to an end.
It's okay that peoples feelings change. People want new things in life. They need to find themselves and what they truly, truly want. I would never want to be that person who has gotten in the way of others goals and aspirations therefore, I'm learning to let go. Let go of those who no longer chooses me and those who do not fit in my life anymore. Even though I would've wanted it to be differently, it's not my call or in my control.
I'm freeing myself. Yet again. And hoping that forgiveness will come upon me. Also, nothing but happiness and success for him. I know that I'm still having a hard time sleeping and waking up because he was my comfort, but again, change is inevitable. So, I'm learning and trying.
When you're down and I mean all the way down, the only way to go is up. I know that this isn't gonna last forever. I can still see that light at the end of the tunnel calling my name. I know that I will be okay, eventually. I just know that I'm never going to be the same person as I was when I fully walk out of this.
Thank you, for being apart of my life that I never knew I was able to live. For being apart of me for that time being and showing me you. Thank you for being you 100% of the time and nothing less.
Keeping my head up.
xo, missmaichi 💛