Picking up the pieces
"There’s no shame in being broken... You just pick up the pieces and keep rebuilding." - The Choice This week has been the hardest week I've had to endure, it was as if I had to replay the same week it all came crashing down. I can still feel the same cut, so deep and ragged that it makes it harder for me to breathe. Having my Pandora play songs that bring nostalgic memories hurt. Visiting places that we've gone together hurt. Everything is hurting and so many people are expecting me to be okay and strong, but I can't. I don't think I can and it's okay. I feel like I should be better. I should already have picked up my feet and walked away. Closed this chapter. Lately, I've been getting in my car and wanting to just drive, drive and never look back. I need to clear my head space. Truly. I'm surrounded by so many memories and ghosts that it makes me feel like I'm the one who's dead.
I want to be strong for myself and others. I can't keep pretending that I'm okay but life moves on. Everyone does. I don't want to be so hard on myself but I don't want to watch my life pass me by either.
My tears has gotten worse especially at the most unexpected times. My heart is feeling what it's feeling and I don't think I can bear the heartbreak anymore. At least right now, that is... It's intense and demanding to feel what I am feeling; to pick up where I left off when I feel so heavily about what has happened constructs so much energy out of me that I can't even get up in the morning without crying. I don't know who I am without you but I have to be me now, without you. Apart of me died that day and I still feel that I'm half way alive. I'm tired of staying strong for other people. I want someone to stay strong for me. Let me breathe. Let me take some time to myself.
After coming home from class, I received my package from Urban Outfitters for my pillowcases and if I haven't mentioned it already, I bought new bedding and comforter to ease my pain; letting go of what I used to know and start over. It's normal for me to change things to feel like I'm moving on. It's a coping mechanism and usually works. This time, not so much. It's different. I guess this is something I have to ease in and recover the right way.
I haven't fully let go and I don't want to rush this process no matter how much I want to. I have to do this in a slow manner, I have to do this without anger in my heart and I have to accept this. I've moved on from the denial stage, so now, I'm in the part of being angry and unsure. I don't have it in my heart to throw away something I've worked so hard towards and I strongly believe that this might also play a role of why it's so tough for me to detach myself from this. Even though he's already set me free, I haven't set myself free. I haven't fully felt happy like I did before. Although I was so busy working then, every inch, space and time that I had, I poured and poured into the relationship because it was worth it. It was my life. It was something I would look forward to after a long day. It was my comfort, happy spot, and my peace.
"He felt as though he were failing in practically every area of his life. Lately, happiness seemed as distant and unattainable to him as space travel. He hadn't always felt this way. There had been a long period of time during which he remembered being very happy. But things change. People change. Change was one of the inevitable laws of nature, exacting its toll on people's lives. Mistakes are made, regrets form, and all that was left were repercussions that made something as simple as rising from the bed seem almost laborious." - The Choice
I laid on my bed and was gazing at the clouds slowly moving. I felt like I was 10 again. Feeling so small in this world and alone. So out of place and suddenly all these feelings started rushing in like no tomorrow. I know that it's okay to feel alone and scared. I haven't felt that way for awhile actually, but of course, the time has come. I feel that now, more than ever. Afraid. I guess when he held my hand and me in his arms, I didn't feel lost and minuscule. I felt big, important, and not so different. I felt like I belonged in a space that mattered. I grew up drifting, trying to find my place in this world. I guess a lot of people see me as someone who fits in easily, but truth is, I never really do. Everyone in this world just wants to find somewhere they belong. They want to be the piece that fits in the puzzle, they want to have purpose, and they want to feel like they're someone. Yes, I still believe that there's someone for everyone. Right now, I don't have the buoyancy to meet new people and connect. I'm so over the cycle of "hey, what do you do for fun" etc. Conversations I've had at dinner. I hate it and I just need time to fully regain strength.
I am only human.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around this to find peace and serenity. I don't want to pretend. I don't want to keep dragging my feet either. I was so sure and now I'm lost. I feel almost exhausted and losing hope but there shouldn't be any hope anymore. I shouldn't believe in something that's already gone. I can't make you love me if you don't. I can't force something and someone to be here, feel a certain way, and hope for them to stay. I tried reaching for your hands to stay, to hold on to mine, but I know you can't. It's time. It's always been that way.
You lose those feelings. You lose your sight of clarity and sometimes all you really need is some time. You have to figure it out on your own. You can't keep projecting fake feelings towards someone you no longer love. Pretending to be in love or someone you're not. In the end, you have to find yourself. You have to find what really matters and what's really worth it.
I love you enough to let you be, let you find whatever it is that you're searching for. When the time comes where I let you go forever, know that it's always been you. It's always been it for me.
"He often felt that too many people lived their lives acting and pretending, wearing masks and losing themselves in the process." - The Choice
Sometimes in life, you meet people who help you discover parts of yourself that you never knew existed and that's the type of people you need but they don't always stay in your life forever. Don't be too busy chasing dreams and remember to live in the now. You can unfold and continue to unravel your inner self the more you cherish the little things.
I just want you to shine 🌟
xo, missmaichi 💛