Highs & Lows
Happiness is always questioned. But why? Why can't people just leave it as it is and stop trying to find reasons to breakdown the solution. I'm tired. It's getting exhausting. This progress has been arduous. As I think I'm getting better, something keeps pulling me back. (Two steps forward, one step back) As it's said, I have a problem with letting go.
I have so many unfinished obligations to tend to and my thoughts are unraveling from left to right. I'm a thinker. And a doer. Sometimes, I do without thinking and other times, I think before doing. You just have to catch me in the right time frame.
I should pursue my ambition but I need to fully do this the 'right way' so I don't have to keep wondering if this is the right decision. The second it switches in my head, I usually drop everything and go. I can't do this again. High strung on the thoughts of what would've been instead of what it is.
DRESS: Forever 21 / FOOTWEAR: Dolce Vita / ACCESSORIES: DSW and Francesca's
Brunch anyone? Of course, indeed. The sun was out and I thought, why not?! Why the heck not would I wear a dress and some boots to combat the windy day. I love brunching and if I could do that every single day of my life, I would. This week was filled with that and I couldn't have been any happier.
RECAP 2/12-26: I find myself eating so unhealthily when I'm not sober... which is not okay. I'm heading home in the rain at 4AM listening to sad songs and singing my heart out. Got in the shower and I vomited everything out of my system... As I'm sitting there in the bathtub, I started to realize that I only have myself now and this is it, no one's going to be there holding my hair back and taking care of me anymore. It was surreal at that point. I was out, being single and enjoying myself without a significant other. It was different and I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good or bad thing.
Full of love and laughter... then it all came crashing down. You can't be high forever and you can't be low forever either. One must come down and one must go up, it's to keep the world balanced.
I felt like I woke up and now it's the end of February. Whoa. Where have I been? A blink of an eye and I'm sitting here questioning myself what really happened. What did I actually go through? And frankly, who am I!? You go for so long trying to grasp the concept of just accepting and being without anything else that you lose yourself in unnecessary theories.
#THEHAPPYNOW they like to say.
People like to call me crazy; call me whatever they can to rewrite their wrongs and denials. The substitution of making me feel like I'm the one whose wrong or that I'm making shit up in my head when in reality, their guilt is eating them inside.
It's good to just be.
My brother told me, "TRY" and I told him, I am trying, but apparently it's not enough. I'm not trying hard enough or doing anything to change my path. I just do average because I don't seem to have much confidence in myself these days or did I ever really? I'm doing the best that I can but I never reach out to my own potential and pull. Sometimes I'm better at seeing potential in others rather than myself but people look at me and tell me that I am so much, I just don't see it. There are times where I do, then there are other days where I'm on another planet.
In between days:
- Staying organized and not being reckless
- Picking my feet up and not dragging them
- Making sure that I'm wholesomely evolving rather than being lazy and procrastinating
- Waking up with a better attitude and going to sleep earlier
- Forcing myself to eat even when my appetite is no longer available
I'm a very impatient person and I always expect things to go in a fashionably timely manner, but of course knowing me, that means by the end of the day. I'm learning to be more patient with everything in life and taking a slower pace so I can enjoy the little things more often than rushing. "You need to give yourself the right time to evolve and grow. You will get there, so enjoy the experience without expectations."
I'm going back to my old days of having severe anxiety. The routine that I'm in has been taking a toll on me and I've been losing inspiration, motivation and happiness. I don't like to live an average normal life. I love to do what I do without following what everyone else is doing. It makes me feel free and alive. Right now, I need to relax.
MONDAY. Brunch. SATURDAY. Brunch. Errands. Drinks. Eats. SUNDAY. Girls day. Brunch. Shop. Family BBQ.
PATH OF LIFE: Strength, Motivation, Knowledge // Funny and ironic how I went to go buy myself Alex & Ani's charm bracelet and that was the last one left. It's applicable to my life right now. "Life is a journey. We each choose our own path—and these choices create our future. Every twist, turn, and miraculous detour has its purpose."
TOP: Francesca's / BOTTOMS: H&M / FOOTWEAR: Dolce Vita
I'm low on the ground. Beneath the floors where the dust lies and as I'm lying there, trying to pull myself up, I'm crying and slowly losing bits of what I don't want to leave behind. These past two weeks has been a flow of emotions, the unwanted and needed.
Recently brought up in the many talks I've had that "when you know a relationship is failing, it's best to pull out and work on yourself even though it's something you don't want to do," but it's for the best; accepting everything and working on just being a better, happier, and stronger person for yourself rather than for someone else. I guess I'm just that type of person who doesn't like to stop trying and I myself am relentless when it comes to that. It's as if I cannot accept the truth and reality so I keep rebuilding and building on top of something that's already gone. I believe in trying and there's nothing wrong in that.
As stated in Grey's Anatomy, "Once things start going wrong, it's hard to break the cycle. It's on us to fix things. It's on us to take everything that can go wrong and make it go right. It's on us to try anyway."
So, try and try till you cannot try anymore. As he told me many times before, "if there's a will, there's a way, love." Don't stop trying. Happiness isn't too far and even if it seems to be too rough or too much right now, it's not going to last forever. The highs and lows will continue all throughout life and this is just the beginning. Ride it out 🤙🏻
Keep maturing. Keep growing. And learn from your past mistakes.
I leave you with this -
"The world gives you so much pain and here you are making gold out of it... there is nothing purer than that." - Rupi Kaur
xx, missmaichi 💛