Wash Away April Showers, Welcome May Flowers
Happy MAY guys! Friends! Loves! Amazing souls. Take a listen to Chelsea Cutler - Your Shirt (while you're reading and you'll feel how I feel) and now... Let's recap the last time I've sat down and explored my feelings. BUT FIRST...
What have I been wearing?
TOP: American Eagle Outfitters, Forever 21 / BOTTOMS: Old Navy / FOOTWEAR: Jessica Simpson
TOP: Hollister Co, Forever 21 / BOTTOMS: Target / FOOTWEAR: Zooshoo
TOP: Target / BOTTOMS: Hollister Co
Keep in mind, my stories and photos on IG have been in real-time so if you missed anything, please take a follow and speed up the process. ;)
What have I been feeling?
It's hard to say where I am and what's been really going on in my head lately. It's been 3 months since and I'm still trying to wrap my head around the situation. As the days begin to count, I become more and more inclined to feeling unsure with where I am. I still question myself if I'm over it or not but as I say, if you question yourself, are you really over it? Do you actually want it? There shouldn't be any second guessing if you truly did want it.
The raw and the real: I wished you didn't break up with me through text. I wished you didn't break up with my dad before me. I wished you didn't cry as much as you did when I saw you. I wished you didn't tell me this was the hardest thing you had to do in your life. I wished you didn't kiss me... I wished you would've just told me everything instead of letting me think and paint my own picture. I wished you would've just told me the truth. I wished you ended it sooner instead of stringing me along. I wished you communicated better. I wished you gave me a better reason. But all of these wishes, they're just wishes. They're just things I wanted you to do, the things that could've helped eased my mind and soul. You left me tangled up in bed praying for strength, understanding, and for the pain to evaporate. The day you broke up with me, I went home crying then tried my best to hold it together before I entered the house. I sat in the shower and bawled my eyes out. And as I crawled into a ball, I saw the ankle bracelet I still had on from when we went to Santa Cruz together and made wishes on them which made me angry so I ripped it off and threw it away. The ankle bracelet signified our deepest of wishes we made before we tied it onto each other and of course, I'll never know what you wished for. But for me, I wished for our future together to be filled with success, lots of love, happiness and stability. Most importantly, for my happiness and sanity to come together so I could love you the way I knew you needed...
Not only did you shut me out completely, you've become a very unsettling ache in my heart and stomach that still pinches when someone brings you up. I just wished you loved me like I loved you but who is to say that love was made to be served one way. I know that you did love me, but then now... I feel like it has been one-sided the entire time we've been together. Love hurts. Love heals. Love reveals. And overall, love will grow you as long as you water it.
My days have been progressively moving upwards and then there are days where I don't even recognize who I am and I'm feeling the same exact way the first week it happened. The wave effect, I like to call it and I would hope that one day it'll make sense to me. I always go blank when someone asks me or talks about it because my mind goes searching for you, him, the old person that I used to confide my days, feelings and unheard voice to. April was really difficult for me. I was so used to having a security blanket around all the time that I didn't realize how different it would be without it. You outgrow things and people so I know in due time, I will eventually outgrow this "bump." I was riding on such a rocky road for the longest and then you came and filled in all the pieces so I still feel obligated to repay you, love you and miss you. I know that I did the best that I could but was I even doing the best? I try not to be so hard on myself these days because my high standards are unreachable but I forget it's over so why am I still beating myself up over something that's old news...
When someone asks me what were my happiest of days, I always draw my attention back to you and I. I was scrolling through our album on my laptop the other day and I came across a video of us at the beach. We were laughing and being us, then you kissed me as we walked back to the spot where we promised each other things only we both can now call memories and unfinished promises - it ended with the beautiful view where our love will always lie. That day I remember watching the sunset from your jeep, so fiery red and orange, my favorite. You popped your hood before we left and then I saw you against the sunset... I knew then and there that you were it. I was so sure. Every bit continuously made me fall more and more. Oh how memories can trigger such vivid views...
April, you've been a real trip. Rain drops from the sky and my eyes. I'm still recovering and even though I tell people not to mention it anymore, I still feel that deep cut.
I was taking a long drive and thought about all the times I went chasing over guys who had no want to be with me anymore because of how I was "too much" and it drew me to slander all "men" who couldn't handle me and my personality. Sometimes, it makes me feel like maybe I'm just exactly that... too much.
Where has my confidence gone to? I'm still finding it. I'm still relearning to love my flaws and although he built my love from inside out, I am trying to rebuild the wall of the dam from all the water flowing out. I always feel like if a person was ever truly in love with you, would they have ever fallen out? Because you always find something new about them that you love and every single day I had left, I continued to fall more and more in love. Who knew our days were numbered... Every single time I begin to slowly let my guard down, someone continues to prove me wrong and I'm back to where I began - shut out and kept to myself not wanting to get close but I told myself this time, no. I told myself that it's okay to fall in love again (if I ever reach that point again) and have someone love me back. It's okay to accept someones love even if it may not be what I want because everything good that happens come unexpectedly. Everyone walks out of my life so unscathed while I'm over here broken but holding it together.
So, what has April been!? Efforts of feeling confident, loving myself and dressing up because that's the only thing that brings some sort of passion back into my life. I haven't been so consistent on blogging and not too much on social media lately either because it's been clouding my head with what's supposed to be "perfect" and "happy." I don't feel like I can showcase my true self. I can't keep up. Truthfully, I've been mentally and physically drained; hitting a hole and waiting for the refresh button.
I can only stay strong for so long... May this month bloom your deepest of wishes. Please, don't keep waiting around for hope. Promises aren't always followed through. SO follow actions and let yourself feel everything that the world has been offering. Don't shut yourself out because you've been hurt. It's okay not to be okay but know you're going to be okay. TRUST THE PROCESS.
I love you guys. I love my family and friends. The check ins have been extremely beautiful and loving. It reminds me that I'm blessed every single day. I have so much love from people and I am glad that the whole "I'm here if you need anything" is actually a thing. I wish to continue to show you the love and appreciation I have for you all, right now... I'm trying to be the best me that I can be... be patient with me and I hope there's some understanding of my absence from time to time. Let me wash away these showers and grow flowers.
TODAY, you motivate and move waves. HAPPY MONDAY!
From the deepest and warmest places in my heart, missmaichi 💛