The Last Hour
I'm ready... Things don’t always turn out the way we want them to be but trust that life has other plans for us. We have to believe that because if we don’t, what else do we really have? Maybe it’s fate and maybe it's us but it will all be okay because the fight, confusion and anger will end. It has to.
I drafted so many drafts to get to this ending. And finally... it's here.
“They can treat you better, screw you better, and make you laugh more than cry but you’ll never find someone who loves you better...” Love feels different for everyone but you don’t get the same love twice.
For a very long time, I was angry. I held that anger so close to my heart that it made me stopped caring. No one knew and no one didn’t need to know. I was also very depressed so I tried my best to hold it together to avoid questions that would arise. I would stop eating for a week or so then go on days eating. I would cry to sleep then not feel anything at all. My days were bipolar and my mood was up and down every other day. I lost it. I had no control over myself and life.
I would live in the moment for a couple of days, love and laugh then I’d reach a point of guilt and go back to feeling upset or hurt. I hurt myself because I felt guilty of hurting someone else but in fact, we hurt each other. I put that responsibility of feeling at fault and guilt onto myself and I knew he did too. For some sick reason, I needed to feel like I was the reason why. Even till this day, I still feel that way but I'm learning that the blame game isn't the answer. The way you love others is a representation of how you love yourself.
We were just kids. We didn't know better but to spite one another out of anger. To show that one of us hurt the other. The jealousy. Hate. It tore us apart. It tore me apart. We were being so unhealthy and healthy at the same time. At one point in our relationship, I felt that he was attacking me and everything that I was doing. I felt wrong and not enough. He felt that way too. We stopped loving each other the way we used to at the beginning. Of course, now, we still have love for one another but the love has changed. For me, true love doesn't go away that easily but it will grow over time into something different. We both may have been hurt but the feelings still remain untouched. Yeah, I will always love the guy because he's given me something no one else could've. I pray for his wellness and health. I pray for mine too.
You just learn to love people who take care of you. I can proudly say that we were once in love and it was blissful. Full of passion and craziness. Kind of like a dream that only felt like a minute. A love story you only read about or see on TV screens. What we had was notorious for its reckless adventures and we feened onto the height of adrenaline. It was real though. It was pure. We were alive. No judgment. Our raw true selves were open but at the same time not.
I wanted to prove to myself that I was okay. I didn't care about what anyone else thought because I had nothing to prove to them. They're not important to me if they can't accept my failures and sad times. There were a few people who were angry at me for being the way I was. It was a selfish act on their end. I understand that they don't want to see me get hurt and everyone's protective of my feelings as much as I am for myself but sometimes, I just need to do things for my own sanity.
The single fact that I would openly say that I was done running away made me want to run away even more. I would hide through nights out with my friends and get wasted or tipsy to the point where I couldn't get up. Finding myself having to wake up the next day to only repeat the actions I set out not to do. I did stop going to my classes but never stopped skipping work. Apart of me knew I had to get my act together but with my emotions running so high, I said, "fuck it." School was never really for me anyways. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love learning but it's selective learning. Thankfully, he reminded me about doing things for myself and things that I loved. For my happiness. He always understood me in that sense because we both don't believe in school. His support was my confidence that I wore daily.
It's crazy to think that I'm still at the same job. Almost a year and I'm shocked. I'm in the transition to higher grounds so I'm wondering if I should stay or go. Trying to regain confidence of taking a leap of faith again. It's always sided with me and I've somehow always landed on my feet. My attitude towards these things has been super nonchalant and I've always believed that no matter what happens, I will be okay in which I normally am. I land almost every job that I kind of "need," out of pure luck and connection but it's all been a prove to be kept type of thing. I was and felt fearless with him by my side. I depended on him for everything as for reasons why I didn't let anything stand in my way.
And of course, that's why when things ended for us, I was at a complete loss. Shattered. I was vulnerable, lost, everything you could think of, that was me. I felt that who I've built myself up to be, was nothing. I questioned all and anything that I could think of. I held myself as prisoner... up until now, of course.
I wasn't even sure if I was happy anymore. The reason why I was doing all of this. What was it all for if I couldn't be with someone I've felt most at ease with? As sad as this sounds, I felt myself looking for death and parts of me were also looking to feel "alive" again. Anything just to feel that sensation. For those who has felt it, knows exactly what I'm talking about and for those who haven't, you aren't truly living a life you can call your own yet.
It’s been an emotional ride through and through. Those who have been following me on my social media for the last two years know that I was attached to a very loving and caring guy who dedicated his time to take good care of me. Both mentally and physically. He gave me a whole new understanding to life and while he was giving me strength, I was feeding him weakness. I felt on top of the world when I was with him and it felt that I could do and be anything that I aspired to do. He made me want to be more and become better. I soon then realized that I wanted him to see what he was doing to me so I pushed him to do the same because I wanted him to want more too. I wanted us to want more for ourselves and together.
I admit to my own fucked up faults and wrongdoings. I can release myself out of that negative energy because he too, released me of feeling at fault. Whatever has happened between us, has happened. I know he doesn't want to talk about it and we both are fucked up for what we have done to each other honestly, but it was in our character to believe that it was "right." We are so much of the same person and it scared me to see myself in him as he saw himself in me at times.
Plenty of people are bias and some of them are very judgmental of the situation I was in. Out of rage and sadness, I spoke with love and hate at the same time. It came to a point where all the hate I had consumed made me sad. It made me feel... uncomfortable. I had to sit back and reflect. I was fortunate enough to get a wake up call before it was too late. From everyone that I loved and cared about... I ignored and was stern about my decisions because I wanted to escape from a reality I wasn’t ready to accept and appreciate.
Today, has ended all the anger, confusion and misunderstanding between us.
I apologize for such a rough and patchy couple of months. As I was tending to reckless decisions and needs to comfort my ache, I was too, hurting myself more than thinking I was healing. I drained my account multiple of times and didn't think twice when I did an impulse purchase because of my sadness or anger. I didn't know how else to express myself so it was either that or alcohol. I was addicted. I'm no longer embarrassed to admit to myself that I was leading my path onto being an alcoholic. I've always told myself not to be that and do that so I stayed away. I never really part-take much into drinking rather it be for fun or to get fucked up because of emotions but I suddenly felt that it was all that I had. It felt like no one understood me. But, I was so caught up into my shit and afraid of people judging me, I said "fuck you" instead of turning to them. I am trying to seek help at this time for my mental stability and hope that it can be a major turnaround for myself. It's a step forward. I want to heal and it will take a year or two but I'm dedicated. In order to change, I must embrace it. I used to love change and now I hate it.
I'm still not looking for a relationship nor want left alone care for one. I felt like I belonged to him for that entirety but today, I am finally able to say that I belong to myself. What a baggage I was holding onto for so long...
So, for those of you who have been wondering what the hell has been happening and why I've been so quiet about everything, this was the reason. It shouldn't have affect me that much but it did. They are my feelings after all. Therefore my content hasn’t been entirely my best of efforts.
I am again, thankful for him. For his help. His constant need for lending a hand. I don't know if he knows it or not but thanks to him for pushing me and supporting my outrageous ideas, all of my opportunities that I've been given over the past couple of months would not have been possible. Because he drove me to start up my blog, I was able to get a great following and achieve exposure. I have yet reached my peak but I am very honored to have had him by my side. A hidden gem. Truly.
I've always loved and found myself attracted to Aries men. They are passionate, full of compassion and their drive, willingness and openness to go on any adventure that I was on made me come to life. I respect them. I respect him. Even though they look hard and tough like a shell, they're complete softies who want to love you and be loved. They lack the ability to find themselves and most times, are lone wolves who seek for love and understanding. As am I, very similar to that, it attracts me to them and since the law of attraction states that you attract those who are similar as you then it all makes sense, right?
It was our final call yesterday. The universe had put us in the same places at the same time without us even realizing it till one of us had already left. I've always believed that it was meant for exactly this, this very moment that led us to find closure. To find ourselves. And also to finally end all of this ruckus.
Instead of getting a happy ending, sometimes, you get a new beginning.
We don't always want that but it happens. It is what gives us strength and the ability to move onward with our lives.
We finally wrapped it up and packed up our own baggage to part ways, to new planets and new worlds. A new life. A new us. No more heaviness on our heart. No hurt. It felt like we were beginning again, but in different directions.
Today, I can say that I feel 10x's better than I actually did months ago. I am slowly learning to handle my emotions so that I can express them more healthily. It's something I never learned how to and now, I'm shifting my focus towards it. My mentality has also changed. We've both changed so much but the feelings, they stay. It’s funny how the tables have turned; He is me and I am him. Leap of faith and acting on impulse decisions knowing that the world was on my side. Now, carefully make decisions and thinking thoroughly if it's worth my time and effort. We exchanged apart of each other to one another and for that, I have learned tremendously to become more aware of my decisions.
My journey reminded me to follow my heart. I will never stop following my heart. It has led me to do some pretty crazy things but it has always drove me to experience life like I've always wanted to. Of course, subtract the hurt and pain, but you get what I'm saying. Because of my heart and persistent attitude, it has given me what I needed.
He moved away, out of the states. But, we are civil. And we're okay.. At least we found middle ground where we both can be at peace with ourselves. I always told myself that emotions distort your vision so I've stopped speaking with my emotions rather I've spoken to him with empowerment and positivity. I pray for his happiness. His new journey that he will take on. The many adventures he will seek. And the travels he will endure. The growth. The many love and lost feelings he will feel. And what he will become. I pray for his success. For him. I am praying for me too.
That's all I ever wanted to be. For as of right now that is. I'm just tired of the emotions and I'm really fortunate to still be alive today to make this happen. To see my turnover. The future awaits many more gradual changes and awakenings for the both of us and I'm more than excited to see what it has in store for me.
A hell of a fucking love story, I'd say. Not many people get to experience what we had but know that it was real. You know when it is. You'll feel it in every inch of your body, bones and heart. I don't want anything or anyone but myself right now. I need myself most during this tough transition but I am so proud of myself for staying strong.
You gotta go through all the bad and ugly before you get to the good and positives.
October, you just began and I'm finally starting my life all over again. A new life.
I will see you all very soon... until then, stay bright!
Xo, missmaichi 💛